Fart Walk, Part 2
On a recent walk with Ernie, which, by definition of being a walk with Ernie, it ergo qualifies as a Fart Walk, we had another conversation about farts.
Or tooting as our 21 month old granddaughter Wren calls it. Which does sound like a little more acceptable term to use in polite society.
She also has a book called Everyone Poops. This has morphed into conversation around how Everyone Toots. She likes to say things like, “Wren toots.” “Mama toots.” “Dada toots.” “Nonna toots.” And of course, “Poppy toots.”
But, I digress.
On a recent walk Ernie says to me, “Hey, have you seen that study on farting?”
Me: You mean the Fart Walk study? Yes, I have and already blogged about it.
Ernie: Nope, not that one.
Me: You mean there’s another one? How many fart studies can there be?
Ernie: Don’t you get these articles in your feed?
Me: No. I get articles like dead bras. You get those?
Ernie: No.
Me: Looks like the algorithms are doing their job.
Ernie: Well, this study looks at what the average number of farts there are by a person per day.
Ok. Pause. What???
A quick google search revealed that the scientists at the University of Maryland created a wearable device called “smart underwear” to measure human flatulence. It’s part of a new nationwide study to map the full spectrum of human flatulence.
What’s next? A smart scarf you wear around your neck to map the full spectrum of belching? I mean it’s gas. It’s just coming out of another orifice.
The world is falling apart but we’ve got a study on human flatulence? What about animal flatulence while you are at it? My dogs fart like heck. Maybe you can do a study to identify which dog breeds fart the most. Forewarned is forearmed.
And if a university is going to develop smart underwear, could the purpose be not to measure the number of farts, but make belly fat disappear or lift and shape your bum? Or maybe when you go to reach for that 6th cookie, it smartly tells you stop and that you’ve had enough, and you won’t be able to fit into your underwear if you eat another one. Or a way to keep things fresh and cool down there, which is top of mind with me given this current heatwave of which we are in the midst. Those are some concepts I can, umm, get behind.
The article goes on to say “By tracking hydrogen in flatus, the device helps scientists revisit long-standing assumptions about how often people actually fart.”
Revisit long-standing assumptions about how often people actually fart? Is it just me or I am the only person who has never wondered about how often people actually fart?
My total thoughts around farts consisted of the following and were taught to me by my older brother when he was 9 and I was 7:
Beans, beans, they’re good for your heart. The more you eat, the more you fart.
He who smelled it dealt it
Silent but deadlies
The Dutch Oven
Dog farts are the worst
Well, that last one I discovered on my own.
But there is a scale, apparently. Turns out that the healthy adult on average farts 32 times per day, which is roughly double the number previously reported in the older studies (there were older, previous studies on this topic?!). Individual variation was extreme though, with daily totals ranging from as few as 4, to as many as 59.
This finding led to the next part of our conversation.
Ernie: So, what do you think counts as one fart? Like, if I fart three times in a quick row, is that one fart or three?
Me: I don’t know, but if I had to guess, I’d say it’s three farts. I’d say that each incident of gas being expelled is considered a singular incident, even if occurring in rapid fire succession.
Ernie: So specific farts vs fart sessions?
Me: It would seem so.
Ernie: What if it’s one loooong fart? Does amount of time it takes for the fart or the length of the fart count for anything?
Me: Hmmm, not sure.
Hey, we’re married 40 years. Conversation topics run the gamut at this point. Not every conversation can be about how to solve for world peace.
I continued to read the article though. And before I could draw the conclusion that as a society we may have, er, bottomed out , given the time, money, and effort on a study such as this, I discovered the main reason, umm, behind it all: to measure gut microbial metabolism in everyday life.
This would help people who suffer from intestinal gas and the doctors who treat those people. With this device, they are able to get a “direct readout of when and how actively the gut microbiome is fermenting dietary substrates.” They say to think of it like a “continuous glucose monitor, but for intestinal gas.”
It says, “We don’t actually know what normal flatus production looks like, without that baseline, it’s hard to know when someone’s gas production is truly excessive.”
Oh, I can tell you when someone’s gas production is truly excessive. Go on a walk with Ernie.
If you would have asked Amy when she was around 9 years old, and our son Joey was around 4 years old and they had to share a bed on vacation one time, she’d have some thoughts on the subject. She told us then, that she couldn’t sleep because Joey kept farting. To which he replied, “Yes, but it’s not like I am farting on her, I am farting on the wall.”
The best part? This study is on-going and they are taking participants, although enrollment is limited.
It says, “To enroll in the Human Flatus Atlas, please visit flatus.info for more information. Enrollment is open to adults ages 18 years or older in the U.S. Participants will receive a Smart Underwear device to wear day and night for the study period.”
Flatus. Apparently the technical term for farting, which they clearly consider the more acceptable term to use in polite society. Or at least as the heading for the name of their study. Personally, I think they might get more participation if they titled it the Human Fart Atlas. Also if they opened it up to include 9 year old boys.
So yes, Everyone toots, farts, or flatuses- choose your preferred term. But apparently, some of us more or less than others.