Eternal Happiness

Who knew that Eternal Happiness was only a Convention away!

Or so the Jehovah’s Witnesses tell me.

There is a Jehovah’s Witness church near where we live.  They frequently can be found in the neighborhood, going door to door, seeking converts.

I wonder what their conversion rates, mathematically and spiritually speaking, are? Being a former marketer and market researcher, I find these analytical things interesting. 

For instance, what’s their ROI?  Do they measure it in dollars or some other type of spiritual calculation?  How do you put a price on a soul saved? Who’s their target audience? Do they just target everyone or have they narrowed it down to those most likely to be receptive to their message? What does success look like? If they target 100 people and they get 10 people is that success? Or is even just 1 converted soul a success?  How many new recruits do they need a year to stay in business?

Based on my experiences of having lived in this neighborhood for 29 years, it would seem to me that not too much analytic or strategic thought is going into their recruiting efforts.

I mean, they keep coming back to my house year after year.  A quick Zillow look up will show you that the house has been under the same ownership for the last 29 years.  And for 29 years they’ve gotten the exact same answer from me when I answer their knock on the door. I guess hope springs eternal that my answer might change.

My stock reply is always a polite but firm, “I am Roman Catholic”.  In other words, I am not shopping around for another Christian religion. I’ve got one and it’s actually the original one going back over 2 thousand years.

They usually smile and say thank you and leave.  Until next year’s recruiting drive.

Now, the interesting thing is, I was, a few years ago, shopping around for another religion, after the whole priest pedophile and cover up happened.  The Catholic Church totally lost their moral authority for me.  Any organization that would knowingly continue to place the most vulnerable of their flock in harm’s way to protect themselves was not a Church of which I could be a part.

I got a book on all the different religions and started researching them.

First up, the one that seemed like the best fit, was Episcopalian.  The one often referred to as Catholic Lite.  But, given that I am also a history nerd and I know that the Episcopal Church was founded on King Henry the VIII’s lust for Anne Boleyn and the resulting schism when the then Pope would not grant him an annulment from Catharine of Aragon, was a non-starter for me.

I moved on. Lutheran was up next.  Martin Luther had some really good points that he nailed to that Church door.  There was so much corruption in the Catholic church.  It was truly in need of reform. But some of their tenets just didn’t resonate with me, particularly the idea that you can sin all you want, but you get a free pass simply because of Christ’s sacrifice. At least in Catholicism you have to ask for forgiveness, really mean it when you say you are sorry, and to make it really stick, say 3 Our Fathers, 3 Hail Mary’s and a Glory Be.

I continued to research many of them.  Wow, there are a lot. Baptists (of which there are more than one kind), Calvinists, Presbyterians, Methodists, Mormons, Seventh Day Adventists, Christian Scientists.  And the list goes on. Apparently, there are tens of thousands of independent denominations.

One that came closest to appealing to me was the Quaker religion.  First of all, they have a great acronym for summing up their religious tenets: S.P.I.C.E.S.  Right off the bat, they got appeal for the Foodies.

It stands for the following:

Simplicity: “Valuing spiritual life over material wealth and using resources carefully.”

Peace: “A commitment to nonviolence, pacifism, and conflict resolution.”

Integrity: “Being truthful, letting your “life speak” and treating others with respect”

Community: “Nurturing and supporting one another, and making decisions collectively through consensus.”

Equality: “Recognizing ‘that of God in everyone’, honoring all people regardless of their background.”

Stewardship: “Caring for the Earth and acting as responsible custodians of natural resources.”

I mean, what’s not to like about that? Seems to me the entire current US Government administration ought to take a look at this.  Can you imagine if any of them practiced just one of those?

I also really like Buddhism.

But back to the Jehova’s folks.

I got a letter in the mail from them the other day.  Interestingly, it had my specific name on it.  Not Mary and Ernie Lunghi.  Just Mary Lunghi.  Don’t know how they got my name, but why are they targeting just me and not also Ernie? Have they indeed done some kind of analysis to think that he is not worth their effort at converting, but that maybe I am? 

The letter is what happens when they are unsuccessfully able to reach you at home.  I know this because it says, “I have not been able to speak to you personally.” It is the first time I have ever gotten a letter.

The letter goes on to talk about how we are in need of something given the world’s conditions.  Oh yes. We are in need of something.  A new President for starters. Perhaps one that is Quaker.

But the letter says what we need is to attend the 2026 Eternal Happiness Convention.

Who doesn’t want to be happy? Who knew it could be so easily achieved? All this time, happiness has been eluding you, and all you needed to do was attend these conventions. 

Seems like, though, to be eternally happy, you need to be a Jehova Witness.  Because according to them, they are the only ones being saved. 

And of those, a select 144,000 will get to “rule in heaven alongside Jesus”. 

And the rest of the Jehovah’s will be resurrected to “live forever on a restored, paradisiacal Earth.” 

Everybody else, all the non-Jehovas, just cease to exist when they die as the JW’s do not believe in hell.

But how about it?  A lucky 144,000 get to co-rule with Jesus! Can’t get more eternally happy than that, I don’t think.

I wonder though, was Jesus consulted on this? How about the rest of the Holy Trinity? Don’t you think their response to this idea would be to say, no to the expansion of co-rule? That three separate-yet-one equal branches of heavenly leadership was more than enough?

Do those that don’t get to achieve the exalted status of the 144,000 feel slighted or cheated, even though they do get paradise on earth?  Are they somehow less happy?

At least there is not any risk of eternal damnation though.

Yeah, I’ll take a pass, thank you very much.

And next year when they come knocking, I’ll let Ernie answer the door.