Acme School of Driving

I’ve been on the road a lot lately, burning up the highway as they say, between here and Brooklyn since our granddaughter was born almost 9 months ago.

That’s given me a lot of opportunity to make some keen, if I am not being too modest, observations.

It seems to me that there are two overall categories of drivers.  First, are the ones, like me, who were taught how to drive following the universal, sacrosanct theorem of driving known as, DEFENSIVE driving.  And yes, when my father taught me how to drive, before he even allowed me in the car, the theorem of DEFENSIVE driving was instilled in me. 

And when he spoke of it, it did indeed feel like he was saying the word in all caps. It was said reverentially.  Like you were in Church.  Behold DEFENSIVE Driving, the savior of us all. It was created so that we might navigate the highways and byways of this great nation, safely. If you follow this path of DEFENSIVE driving, you shall have life.  Stray from this path, you will die.  Amen.

Keep in mind this is the man that would not let me get my license at 16 because he thought that was too young to drive.  I had to beg him when I was 17 to let me get it.  The humiliation of seeing all my friends get their licenses at 16 was ever so painful.  Ok, we’ll save that discussion for a future therapy session.

Judging by my, already noted, keen observations, I’d say that about 90% of the driving population went to the same driving school or had the same DEFENSIVE driving lessons as me.  Pretty good numbers.  But if you don’t have 100%, you got trouble.

That other 10%? Seems to me they attended some other kind of driving school where the exact opposite of DEFENSIVE driving was taught.  Seems to me they were taught some radical, fringe, crazy driving theorem called OFFENSIVE driving.  The credo being, Drive Like You Own the Road and Everyone Will Get Out of Your Way.

Was there some offshoot of the Looney Toons Acme franchise that made its into our world? Was Wile E. Coyote running an Acme Driving School, having given up finally on trying to catch Roadrunner?  Where and why is this heretical offshoot of driving being taught? Because its acolytes are fervent executors of this approach and they are mucking it up for the rest of us.

It became clear to me, once I established this category of OFFENSIVE drivers, that there were sub-types within the category.  These are a few that I have been able to identify in the wild, so far.

The Darter

A particularly dangerous type of OFFENSIVE driver is called The Darter.  There you are, driving in your lane, you and everyone else, maintaining the speed limit, keeping with the pace and flow of traffic, keeping the proper distance between vehicles.  Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, The Darter, well, darts! No turn signal, no indication that they are about to make a move. Just a sudden quick dart into one of the other lanes of traffic. The person who they dart in front of is required to immediately hit the brakes, which, when highway driving at 70 MPH is not a fun thing.  Because then, the car behind them has to do the same to avoid a collision.  The Darter is oblivious though to the possible chain reaction of death he or she may have set off.  But darn, aren’t they happy that they are now one car length ahead of where they were?

The Weaver

The Weaver is akin to The Darter.  The main difference is that The Weaver may use their turn signal, whereas The Darter never does.  The key to The Weaver is that they are in constant pursuit of getting ahead. They are not content to go with the flow of traffic, or pass responsibly if someone ahead is driving too slow.  No. They are on a mission to get wherever they are going to toot suite, and they will not let hundreds of cars ahead of them slow them down.  They will weave in and out of every lane of traffic, kind of like Frogger trying to cross the road, to ensure that they are maximizing their drive time.

The Tailgater

I don’t mean pre-gamers at a football game.  The Tailgater is the person REALLY IN A HURRY.  You might think that they were on a mission to save the earth from mass destruction and that it is why it is super critical they get to where they are going and that you need to get out of their way.  You are placing the fate of the world in danger if you don’t move over, don’t you know?

The Nobody Tailgates Me

This type of OFFENSIVE driver crops up in direct response to The Tailgater.  Otherwise, they typically follow the DEFENSIVE driving rules.  But once they’ve been tagged for a ‘Get out of my way’ by The Tailgater, it triggers an immediate and visceral reaction of “Hell no, I will not.  Nobody tailgates me.” This scenario becomes problematic for anyone in the adjacent lane, driving near/next to these two symbiotic species. Depending on the fortitude of The Nobody Tailgates Me driver, The Tailgater may eventually give up and become a Darter and/or Weaver, in their quest to get ahead. They may or may not flip the bird to The Nobody Tailgates Me as they do so. The Nobody Tailgates Me may or may not smirk back with a “yeah, how’d that work out for ya?”

The Speed Racer

This one is pretty self-explanatory.  The Speed Racer could be driving on the Autobahn where the average speed limit is like 80 MPH, and that would still not be fast enough.  Whatever the speed limit is on any given highway should you encounter The Speed Racer, they are likely to exceed it by half.  70 MPH on the NJ Turnpike? They are doing 105.  Which, depending on the amount of traffic at any given point, may require them to dart and/or weave to maintain their speed.

The BMW Driver

Also self-explanatory. Actually, this is surprising.  I would have thought BMW drivers would be number one on the list of car brands with the worst drivers.  Nope. I googled it.  Turns out Ram truck is number 1. And right behind that?  Wait for it.  Tesla.  No surprise there.  But the big surprise? Number 3? Suburu.  What about all that love?  BMW was actually 6th on the list. 

Those are just some of the observations that I’ve gathered thus far in my travels.  There are certainly some other types of bad drivers, that aren’t necessarily OFFENSIVE drivers.  The Inattentive Driver.  They are usually busy fiddling with the radio, or the air conditioning, or their mirrors, or texting on their phone.  The Slow Driver.  Good lord, save us from The Slow Driver.  They are as dangerous as The Speed Racer.

But thankfully, the majority of us have graduated from the school of DEFENSIVE driving.  Those OFFENSIVE drivers ought to be thanking us.  We are not only saving our own lives, but theirs. Amen.