Our granddaughter turned 2 and, well, you know what they call this period. The Terrible Two’s. But did you know there are sub-components to the Terrible Two’s, one of which is called Toddler Whiplash?
It looks like this:
Me: Hey, Wren, do you want to go for a walk in the stroller?
Wren: Yes!
Me: Ok
Wren: No! I don’t wanna!
Me: Ok, no problem.
Wren: Yes, I wanna!
Me: Ok
Wren: No! I don’t wanna!
OR
Wren: I wanna bring stuffed animal Clyde
Me: Ok (grabs stuffed animal Clyde)
Wren: No! I don’t wanna!
Me: Ok (puts stuffed animal Clyde down)
Wren: Yes, I wanna!
Me: Ok (picks up Clyde)
Wren: No! I don’t wanna! (down he goes again)
OR
Me: Wren, are you done eating that?
Wren: Yes!
Me: Ok (picks it up and throws it away)
Wren: No! I’m not done. I want it!
Me: But I threw it away already. You said you were done.
Wren: I want it! I want it! I want it!
Me: I’ll get you a new one.
Wren: Don’t want a new one. Want the other one.
And while all of this is going on she is heaving and sobbing as if it’s the end of the world as we know it.
Now, I would posit that Toddler Whiplash never really quite goes away. It morphs into Adult Whiplash and it looks like this:
Me: Ooh, I want a piece of chocolate cake.
Also Me: No, no, don’t have a piece of chocolate cake. It’s not good for you.
Me: Yes, I want it. I can have it.
Also Me: No, no, don’t do it. Be strong. Say no to the cake.
Me: I want it! I want it! I want it!
OR
Me: Oh, those shoes are cute.
Also Me: No, stop it. You don’t need another pair of shoes.
Me: But these are cute AND they are on sale
Also Me: So? You have lots of cute shoes already that you also got on sale.
Me: I want them! I want them! I want them!
So you see? We never really outgrow it. The main difference is this dialog happens internally with ourselves and we aren’t screaming and crying as if we just lost our left eyeball.
But back to the Toddler Whiplash situation.
Dr. AI Google says there are a few causes including:
1. They crave autonomy and control, but their prefrontal cortex is still under construction (which by the way doesn’t finish construction until age 25, which kind of makes one wonder, how are they allowed to leave home and get real jobs when their ability for critical skills like impulse control, risk assessment, long-term planning, and emotional regulation is still not fully formed?)
2. They genuinely have rapid shifts in desire.
3. They are testing boundaries and cause-and-effect.
4. They are overwhelmed or fatigued or hungry.
What’s a care giver to do?
In this era of Gentle Parenting, Dr. AI Google advises the following:
1. Stay calm and neutral. No long lectures or bargaining. Don’t feed into or prolong the power struggle.
2. Narrate simply without judgement to help their brain process the shift.
3. Hold a clear, calm limit (there’s that word calm again) after an item or choice has already been given or removed.
4. Provide a calm (again with the calm) physical presence or comfort if a meltdown occurs, allowing them to vent the frustration instead of scrambling to fix it.
Boomer parents who may be reading this may wonder, seriously? Who has the time for this? Or even, what’s Gentle Parenting?
To be fair, most of us Boomer parents who were growing up in the 50’s and 60’s experienced the ‘spare the rod spoil the child’ parenting style.
As a result, we thought we were doing great when, as parents ourselves, our response in such a situation was to say, perhaps a bit sharply, “if you can’t make up your mind, I’ll make it up for you. We are bringing stuffed animal Clyde and I don’t want to hear another single peep out of you about it.” That was definitely a step up from a spanking on the derriere.
So to my fellow Boomer parents, consider Gentle Parenting the next step up on the ladder of parenting styles.
I am curious what the next step on the ladder is after that. It seems like with every generation, parenting styles evolve.
Hopefully, like that quote “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.” In this case, hopefully it is bending towards better parenting. But I will likely not be around to find out.
At least for now we have clarity on the Toddler Whiplash situation and how to best handle it.
As for Adult Whiplash? I say, eat the cake and buy the shoes. Life is short. Enjoy.