Talking Turkey

Forget about there must be 50 ways to leave your lover.  Instead, there must be 50 ways to cook a turkey.

As another Thanksgiving holiday is soon upon us, let us reflect upon the many ways that that centerpiece of everyone’s holiday meal, the turkey, may be prepared.

Let’s start with the base level of turkey preparation.  One I have aptly named, The Basic.

The Basic:

It doesn’t get more basic than this.  You place your turkey in the roasting pan.  Put several pats of butter on it.  A little salt, a little pepper.  Place it in the oven at 350 or 400 degrees and roast and baste away for the necessary number of hours.

Moving up from The Basic, we have what I like to call, The Basic Plus.

The Basic Plus:

The same as The Basic.  PLUS throwing in some carrots, celery, and onion (otherwise known as the holy trinity if you are Italian, or a mirepoix if you are French and/or everyone else)  into the roasting pan.

Casting basics aside, let’s take it up a notch now.  That would bring us to, The Brine.

 The Brine:

Somewhere in the late 1990’s, some foodies introduced us to the concept of brining.  A concept in and of itself an ancient one, dating back thousands of years.  Apparently as far back as 2400 BCE in Mesopotamia. You know when you see the word Mesopotamia that it’s gotta be old.

I can’t really speak to brining a bird since the Lunghi’s have never brined one. Or anything else that is brine-able.

Googling brining a turkey, I see that all it is, is submerging the bird in a saltwater solution (isn’t that a nasal saline spray medication?), with optional sugar and aromatics for 12-24 hours in the refrigerator.  Aromatics is just a fancy word for herbs and spices.

Then, you rinse the bird, getting rid of that excess salt and then roast away, per the directions of The Basic.

Now we are really going to kick it up a notch here.  You see, The Basic, The Basic Plus, and The Brine are mere child’s play.  The ultimate experience of cooking a turkey is The Deep Fry.

The Deep Fry

For those adventurous and courageous enough, there is what is called The Deep Fry method of cooking a turkey. It’s also known as Immersion.

Essentially, what this entails is a deep fat fryer where you pour a whole bunch of oil into a vat and then light a flame underneath it.

Be forewarned.  This method is not without its risks and is not for the faint of heart.  Nor is it for those who lack a fire extinguisher nor are well informed of how to administer first aid to burn victims.

You think I am kidding? Apparently, per Google AI, “deep frying a turkey causes an average of five deaths per year, along with 60 injuries and over $15 million in property damages.  These statistics come from the National Fire Protection Association (assuming they still exist and weren’t cut in the recent government annihilation of almost any agency that helps the average American).

So, if you are going to try this method of cooking turkey, be forewarned.  We Lunghi’s did try this method, and so we know of that of which we speak.

Our problem was, in a way, the exact opposite of the usual risks associated with deep frying a turkey, as described above.

The year we decided to try this method, turned out to be A Very Windy Thanksgiving Day.

We had purchased the deep fryer and were so excited to try this method. 

Ernie was in charge because this falls into the category of outdoor cooking, and well, I have never barbecued or grilled a day in my life.  If you read my blog last week you will understand that in the Italian-American division of household duties, you know that it is gender based, and outdoor cooking was the domain of men.

So, Ernie set up the fryer outside in our driveway.  It was enough distance away to protect the house should something go awry.

He lit the flame.  He put in the bird.  And then we waited for it to cook.

But it wasn’t cooking.

We finally deduced that it was so windy out that it was blowing the flame around.  So the flame wasn’t able to consistently heat the oil.

However many hours later, and we have no cooked bird to eat.  This is not a good recipe for a Thanksgiving meal.

Our solution? We cut the meat off the bird and, wait for it, nuked it in the microwave.

Can’t remember if anyone ate any turkey that year, but thank goodness for all the sides.

Sticking with the outside of the house cooking method of the bird, there is grilling it.

The Grill

The Grill is a great way to cook a turkey.  It saves space in your oven for all the sides.  Nothing fancy or elaborate here.  Crank the grill, season the bird, and have at it.  This has been a Lunghi preferred method for many a year.

Then there is a method of preparing the turkey before cooking.  It is called Spatchcocking.

The Spatchcock

Suffice it to say, the Lunghi’s have never spatchcocked. I don’t know, is it just me, or does that word seem slightly pornographic?  The other term for this is Butterfly.  So let’s go with that actually.  The Lunghi’s have never butterflied a turkey.  It is rather labor intensive in that it requires the removal of the turkey’s backbone and then flattening the bird.  Maybe they could just sell the bird already spatchcocked,er, butterflied? I find it challenging enough just to pull the bag of gizzards out of the turkey.

However, our son-in-law, who cooked the turkey last Thanksgiving, did just that.  And it was delicious.

I am happy to eat a bird that has been butterflied.  However, I don’t see myself or Ernie learning how to prepare a turkey in this method.

Another method of cooking the turkey is smoking it.

The Smoke

I know zero about smoking a turkey. Seems pretty basic actually.  You can brine or season it with aromatics, which as we just learned is simply some herbs and spices. You pop it in your smoker.  Oh, snap.  We don’t have a smoker.  So, you need to have a smoker.  If you have one, then the next step is choosing your flavored wood, like apple, cherry, or hickory which will impart those flavors to your bird.

Lastly, there is yet another method of cooking your turkey that we had never heard about until Ernie’s nephew told us about it. It’s called La Caja, or The Mexican Roasting Box.

The Mexican Roasting Box

First of all, don’t even think about using this method if you are cooking anything under 80 pounds.  It’s big enough to roast a pig.  It’s big enough that you can cook a variety of meats simultaneously.  Somebody not love turkey? Throw some pork loin, ribs, roast beef, whatever you want, in there.  Up to 80 pounds of your meat of choice! But if you want to limit it to just turkey, this baby will hold up to half a dozen of them.

It’s a huge wood encased stainless steel box on metal legs and stands about waist high.  It withstands outdoor elements with marine-grade materials.

The description of the product reads, “You might not be able to feed an army, but a platoon should be comfortably stuffed no matter what you throw on.”

This is Thanksgiving turkey cooking on steroids. So unless your gathering is not platoon sized, best skip this method.

Amazon sells it for $439.99.

Ok, so maybe there aren’t 50 ways to cook a turkey.  But for sure there are more than a few.

And, as we all know, it really isn’t about the bird.  It’s about getting together with family and friends and enjoying those who you cherish most in your life.  It’s being thankful for having those people and that love in your life.  So even if you have a turkey disaster on your hands, as we did that one year we decided to deep fry it, it doesn’t matter. Because that’s really not the point.

One last thought? Thanksgiving is not complete without a little football.  And even though the Eagles never play on Thanksgiving Day, they really should.  Go Birds!