Pardon Me While I Pump

Have you heard about this one?  Post menopausal women can lactate.

I had two immediate reactions to this that were polar opposites.

My first reaction was to think, “Dear lord, can we post menopausal women please just get a break? We are mostly over 50 (over 60 in my case) and we have endured a lot physically just to get to this point. Let’s give our bodies a rest, shall we?”

This was then quickly followed by the thought of, “Wow, that’s pretty cool and the human body, specifically the female human body in this case, is simply amazing.”

I am a Gemini, so liking two ideas that are polar opposites is in my wheelhouse.

Let’s start with the initial reaction.

The mere thought of asking my body to produce milk at this stage of the game is exhausting.  I barely can summon the energy on some days to drive to the store and buy a gallon of milk, let alone lactate to produce one.

And as noted above, we women have already endured plenty physically over the course of our lifetimes. 

By the time we are post menopausal we have been through:

35-40 years, on average, of monthly menstruation.  That’s 35 to 40 years of monthly cramping, bleeding, bloating, checking your cycle when planning vacations, especially beach vacations, avoidance of wearing white while you have your period, and just all around general discomfort.

And after all that time, you get to experience the peri-menopausal period of your life.  This is the transitional phase before menopause that can last 4 to 10 years and includes such good times as irregular periods, hot flashes, sweating, sleep disruptions, brain fog, weight gain, reduced bone density, lower libido.

Once you run through that gauntlet, you reach menopause.  Which is very similar in symptoms as peri-menopause but is defined as the 12 month period of not having had a period.

After that time frame, you are officially in post menopause.  Phew.  And I didn’t even run through what the female body endures during pregnancy and lactation.

But even in post menopause you do not get off scott free.  While some symptoms of menopause, like hot flashes may abate, you get a whole new slew of possible symptoms like UTI’s, osteoporosis, heart disease, weight gain, and vaginal atrophy.  Yes, I said vaginal atrophy.  I think that might be a subject of its own separate blog post in the near future.

Now, on top of all that, you are going to tell me that I can still lactate?

Apparently, there are documented cases that include a 61 year old grandmother who induced lactation to feed her grandchildren.  I am a 62 year old grandmother. I love my granddaughter.  I will help take care of her. I will bathe her, dress her, change her diaper, play with her, read to her, take her places. And of course I will feed her.  Just not with my boobs.  At 62, after all my body has been through, I think I’ve earned the right to keep the milk production factory in shut down mode.

Now, the flip side.  This will be short because really there isn’t much more to say than, wow, it is kind of cool and amazing that the human female body can do this. 

But just because it is cool and amazing, doesn’t mean it’s something I would want to do.

So, the words, “pardon me while I pump” will never be uttered by me, except if I am at a gas station for a fill up.  Meanwhile, hats off to all lactating women everywhere, no matter their age.